News from [SATIRE] The Beaverton
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Doug Ford · PalestineQUEEN'S PARK - During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated, after accidentally mistaking the encampment tents for affordable housing units.See the Story
Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Toronto, ON · TorontoToronto, ON - Film historians and critics are flabbergasted after a podcast recorded in Toronto by two men has somehow passed the Bechdel test, used to measure representation of women in film.See the Story
All male podcast somehow passes Bechdel test
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Jerry SeinfeldHOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiences”, unlike in his heyday, when the teenage girls he dated were fans of his comedy. “Today’s young people wouldn’t know good comedy if drove up to their high […]See the Story
Seinfeld slams woke student audiences: "Back when I dated high school girls, they found me hilarious!"
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Toronto Maple Leafs · TorontoTORONTO - The Toronto Maple Leafs have tied their playoff series against the rival Boston Bruins at 3-3, working hard to engineer a uniquely perfect opportunity to break their fans’ collective hearts by losing in seven games instead of five.See the Story
Hardworking Leafs tie up series, maximize how sad fans will be when they still lose
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Brampton, Ontario · BramptonBRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per Bank recently issued a statement to all of his employees ordering them to hunt down, catch, and kill anyone who participates in the boycott this month.See the Story
"Enough is enough:" Loblaws CEO commands all employees to hunt down, kill anyone participating in boycott
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
University Student · PalestineOTTAWA - As university students from Montreal, Toronto, and Ottawa begin protesting the genocide in Palestine with demonstrations and encampments, officials from their schools have released a series of emails and warnings stating that, although they want their students to learn about genocide, they unequivocally condemn them doing anything to stop it.See the Story
Canadian universities defend banning pro-Palestinian encampments: "We want our students to study genocide, not actually do anything about it"
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Toronto Maple Leafs · TorontoTORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise history.See the Story
Loblaws promises to lower grocery prices as soon as Leafs win three rounds in the playoffs
100% Center coverage: 1 sources
Toronto Maple LeafsTORONTO - After delivering an uninspired effort in Game 4 that saw them fall behind 3-1 in their first round series against the Boston Bruins, the Toronto Maple Leafs took time to promise their fans that this is in fact the best they can do.See the Story
Leafs assure devastated fans that this is them trying their best
100% Center coverage: 1 sources